I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
