ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
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