Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
