I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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