tell your sister to shave her snatch
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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