Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Randomize
