I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Randomize
