I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
