this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
