how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Randomize
