You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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