Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
