Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
