I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
