Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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