i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
