I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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