I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
