I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
