non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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