you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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