i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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