I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
