im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
