So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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