That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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