If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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