Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
