I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Randomize
