Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
