This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
