Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
