You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
