you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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