How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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