Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
