fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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