You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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