Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
