found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
