I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
we're so committed to being not committed
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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