His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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