Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
