I am in a vortex of obligation.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
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