new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
