Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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