I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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