Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
