broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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