After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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