OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
